They're not really happy- they just think they are

The Mormon Church teaches that true and lasting happiness comes only through obedience to its rules and doctrines, and that obedient, temple-sealed Mormon families are happier, more loving, and generally superior to their "nonmember" counterparts.

It can be hard to sell this position. You see, obedience to the Mormon Church means giving up a lot of things that the church doesn't approve of. For adults, this means giving up 10% of your gross income and abstaining from alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea, and premarital sex. For kids, it means giving up a lot of normal childhood fun in order to "observe the Sabbath": Three hours of church meetings in uncomfortable clothes, and restrictions on what types of activities are permissible afterward. Many Mormon families don't allow their kids to play outside on Sunday, and they wouldn't dream of going out for ice cream, a movie, or to the beach on "The Lord's Day." Only "reverent" (translate: "boring") activities are allowed.

When children of strict Mormon parents see their less devout friends and neighbors playing outside or heading down to the lake instead of church on Sunday, they often wonder aloud, "Why can't we do that? It looks like they're having a lot of fun." At this point, the devout Mormon parent says something like, "They aren't really happy. They think they are, but we know better. We have true happiness because we have the Gospel."

This teaching became a major contributor to my cognitive dissonance and eventual questioning of the church.

A little background:

I was one of six children of a strict Mormon family. My devout and authoritarian parents were direct descendants of Mormon pioneers. Their obedience and faithfulness to the church exceeded that of most of the Mormon families I've encountered since then. In nearly every respect, they were "by the book." If the church taught it, they lived it, and they expected the same measure of devotion and obedience from their kids.

My childhood was not a happy one. Although I was never physically abused, my parents' authoritarian style created an environment of contention and fear. Molehills became mountains, and I was frequently punished for simply expressing disagreement. I looked forward to anything that got me out of the house and away from my parents. I never felt like I could open up to them and honestly share my feelings without being criticized. I got so used to simply doing what I was told that I reached adulthood with severely stunted decision-making skills.

When I was eleven, one of my older sisters had a falling out with our mother, moved out, and left the Mormon Church. Although she eventually reconciled with the family, she never returned to the church. She married a man who is agnostic, and they are raising their own children with no particular religious emphasis.

By contrast, one of my older brothers married a devout Mormon. They are raising their kids in the church with an authoritarian style that is reminiscent of, albeit gentler than, that of our parents. Strict obedience is emphasized and church rules are observed to the letter.

I've spent enough time with both families to have seen them at their worst, when the facade of "best behavior" has worn off, and both parents and kids are tired and cranky. I've also seen both families at their best, when they are having fun and enjoying each other.

According to Mormon teachings, my sister's family is missing something necessary for true happiness. They should be less loving, less happy, and less close than either my brother's family or the family of our childhood.

Even as a devout Mormon, I realized that this is not the case. Instead, the result is exactly the opposite:

My brother and his wife have replicated the stern home environment in which we were raised. His home is not a happy or comfortable place to be. Instead, it is hectic and contentious. Molehills become mountains, and he often punishes his kids simply for expressing disagreement. I love and respect my brother, but I would not want to live in his house or have him as my parent.

My sister's home is one of my favorite places to visit. She and her husband treat their children with respect, encouraging them to think and form their own opinions. They also allow the kids far more decision-making latitude than we ever had, which seems to result in desirable behavior more often than not, and teaches good decision-making skills and understanding of consequences. They are not burdened by having to enforce extra rules imposed by a church. I am constantly impressed by the maturity, stability, and thoughtfulness of my sister's kids, and by the atmosphere of love, respect, and fun that exists in their home.

Cognitive dissonance is what happens in your mind when reality doesn't align neatly with your worldview. To resolve the dissonance, you have to either somehow rationalize and distort your perception of the world, or you have to modify your worldview to harmonize with reality. Over a period of several years, cognitive dissonance from this and other factors compelled me to question and modify my worldview, which eventually resulted in my leaving the Mormon Church.

Phrases like, "They're not really happy- they just think they are," are thought-stoppers- ways for devout Mormons to rationalize away their cognitive dissonance without really addressing the issue. Protestations of happiness are a consistent theme of Mormonism, emphasized in sermons, lessons, scriptures, and conversations, and are intended to convince Mormons that Mormonism makes them happier than their non-believing friends, family members, neighbors, and coworkers.

Methinks thou protesteth too much.

My sister's family doesn't just think they're happy- they really are. Her kids are growing up with a far more pleasant childhood, better decision-making skills, and a more loving relationship between parents and children than I ever experienced. They don't need to reassure themselves or brag about their happiness- it's obvious to anyone who knows them. Nothing is missing from their lives. They don't need fairy tales, and they don't need some church taking their money and imposing arbitrary and asinine rules on them.

They are happy on their own terms. What could be better than that?

"Feeling the Spirit" explained

Mormons place great emphasis on being guided by "the Spirit." They rely on it for major life decisions and for proving that their religion is true. I used to operate the same way, believing that certain feelings were God's way of speaking to me and verifying truth. My "testimony" was cemented by emotional experiences based around Mormon doctrine.

A few years ago, I began to deconstruct my reasons for believing. Among other things, I concluded that my "feelings of the Spirit" were nothing more than conditioned emotional responses due to creative emotional manipulation during my childhood and teenage years. Here's how the process works:

Lifelong mormons are conditioned as children to associate certain good feelings with the church. When church doctrines are taught to children in an atmosphere of comfort and love, they learn to associate those doctrines with feelings of comfort and love. Later, they are told that what they are feeling is "the Spirit" telling them that the church's teachings are true. In this way, emotional triggers are implanted so that believers feel "the Spirit" when they attend church, read the mormon scriptures, meet LDS general authorities, or see a mormon temple. Mormon teenagers are also conditioned to feel shame and guilt related to things like masturbation, premarital sex, homosexual attraction, and even sexual thoughts. Many mormon teens grow up feeling tremendous amounts of guilt over things the rest of the world considers normal.

This is similar the story of Pavlov and his dog. Pavlov conditioned the dog to associate a sound (a ringing bell) with good things (food). Eventually, the dog learned to salivate at the sound of a bell, even without food being present.

Mormon missionaries attempt to replicate this conditioning process when teaching prospective converts, or "investigators." The missionaries attempt to establish rapport with prospective converts and steer the conversation toward topics that trigger feelings of comfort, love, and trust. They try to maintain these feelings and bring them to the attention of the investigator. Once a prospective convert acknowledges the he or she feels peace, or love, or one of a myriad of other pleasant emotions, the missionaries will announce, "What you are feeling right now is the Holy Spirit testifying that our message is true." Everything the missionaries do is designed to elicit pleasant feelings and condition the investigator to associate those feelings with the Mormon Church. Over time, new converts are also conditioned to feel guilt over unapproved pleasures.

Don't be intimidated when a mormon claims to "know" that their religion is true. They don't know any better than you do. They are just suffering from the delusion that their emotional experiences are the voice of God.